Infinity Blade

I believe this marks a first for iPhone games on the blog. I'm not sure if these guys even qualify as blog-worthy, but to quote the wise Kel Mitchell, "Awww, here it goes!"

For the last two weeks I've had shit to do at work but take double lunch breaks, make frequent trips to Starbucks, and snoop around the lot hoping to spot more celebs - twice Seth Rogen has almost run me over with his golf cart, the next time he passes me it will be my foot up his ass. Basically, I'm bored out of my damn mind. I know, I can already here most of you asking, "Why haven't you just surfed the next the rest of us schmucks?" Not to get into any specifics here, but I don't have a computer. Well, I do. Someone else is just using it for the next 2-3 weeks. In the meantime, I'm off to fend for my own. With so much free time on my hands I decided to check out some game content for my new iPhone and stumbled across this guy.

I really had no idea what to expect from this game - not that I really cared as long as it could make me forget that my life doesn't seem to have a purpose - other than it looked violent and ran the Unreal engine. Sounded like it would be both fun and competent. And that's exactly how it started off. No real storyline. Your a knight at the gate of a castle and have to take part in a series of one-on-one battles with monsters attempting to hinder your progress as you make your way to the top (seems to make sense). Like in any RPG, as you fight you gain experience and money, which will then be exchanged for new weapons and shit - same old story, you get the drift. Anyways, after about dozen or so fights, you make your way to the top of the castle were the God King awaits you. This cocky bastard chuckles at your request to fight him as he steps down from his throne. Note: With none of the other battles causing me any fuss, I thought this guy would be a cinch - or at the very least beatable. I got my ass handed to me without a second notice. And just like that, I was dead.

Everything goes black, and then the screen reappears at the beginning of the game. "Oh, great," I thought, "I'm going to have to start the level all over again." Then I noticed the small tagline Bloodline 2 followed by 20 years later. Huh? So, I'm apparently the descendent of my fallen character. It appeared that I would just have to replay the level again. So I did. Leveled up slightly. Then died at the God King, again. Bloodline 3. Same story, died. Finally, Bloodline 4 and yes, I beat the fucker. Now, the game can move on - or so I thought. The screen went black as I watched that miserable bastard die and then... Bloodline 5.

What the hell?!!! Five! First of, when did my character die, and, second, why am I restarting the game again. Did I do something wrong? The answer is no. This is a cyclical game that repeats itself hoping you enjoy the satisfaction of leveling-up and buying new weapons. I thought that maybe there was some sort of catch here, maybe I had to just kill the God King in the right way to move onto other challenges. Then I noticed it, the Infinity Blade at the bottom of the list for weapons to buy. It made sense - at least to me - that maybe you have to buy the item the game was named after to properly beat the game itself. So I went round and round in circles, slaying hundreds of monsters until finally I had enough cash to buy the sword. I ran off to visit the God King for the seven-hundredth time - truly believing this time to be our last - and mopped the floor with him. Finished, yes?

No.

This game has no end. You play for the love of playing. That's all. Where's the fun/reward in that?

Go fuck yourself Epic Games for wasting my very, very valuable time. Now I've got some Angry Birds to deal with. They know how to treat a man right.