Space Jam

When rumors broke that LeBron James was going to be involved in a sequel to Space Jam, my reaction was the same as every other twenty-something American man: something like, "Aww man, really? You're going to ruin that part of my childhood with LeBron James?" But that lasted about three seconds before two cold truths occurred to me. One, I could care less what LeBron and Warner Bros. did in their free time together. How many times have the Ninja Turtles been rebooted at this point? How long until Spider-Man gets another reset? Just because something I loved as a child had the audacity to come back and try something new doesn't do anything to diminish the original product I loved as a child. Right? And - far more importantly here - two, in no way was Space Jam an important part of my childhood. I hadn't even seen the beginning ten minutes of the movie. I was never all that into basketball. It was with this glaring second issue in mind that I decided to watch Space Jam last night for the first time in at least fifteen years. I was stunned. Nothing about this movie makes any goddamn sense.

Someone has already covered, in great detail, the absurdity of the basketball game itself that takes place in the movie. (Here's a link.) The game doesn't feature a single block, rebound, or foul, and 86% of all points scored come by virtue of the dunk. There's just one missed shot in the whole game. The score changes abruptly and inconsistently at times. The Monstars turn the ball over just once, miss one shot, and score nine three-pointers to the Tunes' zero, yet somehow the Tunes win the game. This is literally impossible. Anyway, reading that breakdown is well worth your time and I won't dwell on any other details from the game itself.

No, what I want to tear apart is everything outside of the game. The plot, if you will. Now, quick disclaimer. I get that this is a kids' movie. I get that it's not going to feature intricate character arcs and I know some sloppy dot-connecting will be hurrying us through a good chunk of the story. But even for a kids' movie, this made no goddamn sense. The story starts with Danny DeVito's reptile businessman character, the bad guy, worried about the future earnings prospects of his run down outer space amusement park. Long story short, he discovers Looney Tunes on TV and decides that he will kidnap them and bring them back to "Moron Mountain" where they'll essentially be some sort of slave labor zoo exhibit. Anyway, he sends his minions to Earth in order to kidnap Bugs Bunny and friends. It turns out that Looney Tunes takes place in the center of the earth - seriously, had this ever been established in any way? - and once the space minions get there the Tunes surrender almost immediately. But Bugs Bunny is a wiseass, as we all know, and he convinces the little space bugs to play a game of basketball with their freedom on the line. The space bugs agree, then go off and siphon the talent away from real NBA all-stars and Shawn Bradley. The Tunes respond by kidnapping Michael Jordan through a golf course hole in order to enlist his help for the upcoming game.

Let's throw the brakes here and revisit some of that nonsense before we get too far ahead of ourselves. First, an advanced civilization capable of space flight has arrived to take prisoners, but they have enough integrity to say, "hey, fine, if you can beat us at basketball, we will not kidnap you." What the hell? And then they steal NBA talent and spend the whole game viciously fouling the other team anyway, so where exactly do they stand on the moral spectrum? Secondly, Shawn Bradley? Thirdly, the Tunes are faced with the prospect of being kidnapped and forced to perform their craft in a strange and foreign land... so they kidnap Michael Jordan in order to force him to perform his craft in a strange and foreign land. More moral ambiguity, no? Who are the good guys here? Who are the assholes? I've got a whole host of other questions, ranging from how the interconnectivity of the regular universe and Looney Tunes universe works; we see Jordan's kids watching Looney Tunes on TV, implying that it is a cartoon created and broadcast by actual humans much like in our world, so if it's a real actual series of events going on at the center of the Earth, I mean, why? How? No time for that, of course - Bugs or someone else could have delivered a two-sentence C-minus explanation of this and it would have sufficed. Instead, it's never even mentioned. And what about the prospect of Elmer Fudd playing on the same team as Bugs Bunny? Or Sylvester playing alongside Tweety? Half these charcaters actively try to kill each other whenever Looney Tunes is on - can they really work as a team?

It turns out, they don't need to do so, because they've got a one-man team in Michael Jordan. But we're getting ahead of ourselves; they also get Lola Bunny, a character specifically created for this very film. She gets all of three scenes. In the first, she schools Bugs on the basketball court and warns him not to make eyes at her. In the second, she does the exact same thing in the real game to one of the Monstars. And in the third, she's about to get absolutely pancaked by one of the Monstars doing a WWE style body slam off the backboard, but then Bugs shoves her out of the way and takes the hit instead. That's it. That's the entirety of Lola Bunny's screentime in the entire goddamn movie. Furry fetish fuel forevermore, all thanks to three meaningless scenes. (Do not do an extensive image search on "Lola Bunny" at work. But, do one at home. You need to see this stuff.)

Oh, meanwhile the NBA has decided to postpone every single game because four all-stars and Shawn Bradley are suddenly unable to play basketball. Imagine that!

So at any rate, the game happens. At the end of the first half the Monstars are up something like 60-18. I dunno, it's in the box score if you follow that link from above. By the way, reptilian Danny DeVito is here now, watching the game, even though its taking place at the center of the earth and he never made the trip to Earth in the first place. Just roll with it. Anyway, DeVito gets all pissed that his minions didn't siphon the talent away from Michael Jordan, who is clearly the best player of them all. But wait! DeVito was never in on the plan to play basketball in the first place. He just said, "bring me the Looney Tunes," and has no right whatsoever to be upset about his minions' methods of doing so. Regardless, here's where an already shaky movie just stops mattering on any level beyond watching cartoons dunk basketballs. Jordan cuts a deal with Danny DeVito, saying that if the Monstars lose, they need to give the NBA players their talents back, but if the Monstars win, Jordan will go to Moron Mountain in place of Bugs and company. DeVito accepts.

What the fuck, Space Jam?

Jordan, a family man with a wife and kids and a career and a life back on earth, suddenly doesn't give a shit about being abducted by aliens.

Reptile DeVito, who shows no regard for human rights in the first place, actually accepts the deal instead of just kidnapping everyone, Jordan included, regardless of the game's outcome.

If Reptile DeVito wants basketball players, he already has five in the form of NBA all-stars and Shawn Bradley, who have shown slavish loyalty to him all movie long, and so if it's basketball you want to bring to Moron Mountain, why not just blast off right now with this team in tow?

And the Monstars have already shown that they are able and willing to siphon away the talents of any NBA player, so why the hell aren't they doing that to Michael Jordan here and now!?

It's all inconsistent and horribly plotted and worst of all it makes no goddamn sense! Even for a movie that exists solely to show a cartoon basketball game, it makes no goddamn sense.

It probably isn't worth worrying about. The Tune Squad wins, but not before Wayne Knight and Bill Murray get involved in the game for no reason. How do they win? What magic gameplan switches were made by Jordan in the second half? None. None at all. Jordan just tricks his teammates into thinking they're chugging down steroids when he uses a water bottle labeled "Mike's Special Juice." So, a placebo effect. A placebo effect is the difference between getting outscored by forty in one half and outscoring the opposition by forty in the other. That's an eighty point swing. This implies that the Tune Squad on the placebo effect is worth about 160 net points a game more than the Tune Squad without the placebo effect.

I'm done here. This was just so fucking stupid. It had every right to be, and I expected no less, but holy hell.