The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower

It’s finally done. After six long years of off-and-on reading I’ve finally triumphed over my procrastination and have finished The Dark Tower series. Now Sween and Marissa may have been able to down all seven books in less then half of my time, but let’s just say my slow consumption is truly positive attribute allowing me to savory the story a little more.

...alright, that’s complete bullshit.

I may have understood the general story and enjoyed reading this whole series - thoroughly, in fact - but if you were to test me on the scrutiny of details from the first half of this epic story I would fail. Taking such a long vacation between each book, I believe I’ve forgotten the intimate details of the characters, diminishing my connection with the story as a whole. It’s not that bad. Only, as you say good-bye to cherished characters when approaching the very end, it would be nice if you had all the material fresh in your mind to reflect back onto. I really don’t know why I’m complaining about this. This bitching won’t change my leisurely ways. So, let’s move on.

This final book is a good read and a fitting end to a great series. Without giving too much away, you have some excellent battles, heart-wrenching farewells, and some truly scary moments - something that’s not too common in this series (despite the fact it’s penned by Stephen King). I’ve also got to add that I really appreciated the method in which King ends this book, both in his epilogue, coda, and author’s note. While speaking to the reader, he acknowledges it’s a little douchey making himself a character within the actual novel - I'm glad he shamelessly acknowledges this, although it was a great tool at breaking down that fourth wall. He also touched upon his dislike for the ending, reminding people that it’s the journey you should have really been excited for, not the ending... but speaking of it.

Now, before reading below, let it be know that I’m discussing the ending here in full detail. Seeing as how their are at least two people who are already familiar with this scene, I’m looking to hear their input. However, I’m sure there are others out there - Stan - who may read this series one day and should avoid what is below. It’s really better going into the books fresh.

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

The final battle between Roland and the Red King... WTF? Seriously, that shit was weak. Most everything else in this book I like or was at least able to overlook its flaws, but this, the final battle, it’s nothing more than an ripoff of a Donkey Kong level. Roland and Patrick sit perched behind some steel/rock ruin as the Red King hurls some sort of fireballs at him - missing horribly - while screaming at the top of his lungs like some whinny bitch (“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”). I believe the book at one points explains that the Red King was jumping up and down shaking his fists in the air. The devil incarnate is seriously just a stone's throw away from Colonel Klink. The battle also goes on for what seems like a couple of hours or so. Your telling me that in that time the Red King couldn’t have struct up an intense conversation with Roland, maybe engage in some philosophical/moral debate that would have tested his ethics. That could be sweet. But no. Instead, it’s “EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I’LL KILL YOU! Ummm... EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!)

Maybe this was suppose to be a lackluster battle devised by the tower, seeing as how it kind of turned out to be his enemy at the end. (Am I right in this?) It seems like the tower was just there to fuck with him and lead him in circles his whole life, living an eternity on an endless quest. Kind of seems like Hell. (Shrug shoulders here.)

*** END OF SPOILER ***

Alright children, the grown-ups are all done swearing. You can remove your earmuffs.

As with the last two Dark Tower posts, it’s time for the old rating game. Here it goes. My line-up of my favorite books in the series from best to worst:

1. The Dark Tower II: The Three Doors

Awesome ass fight scenes at the end. And Susannah is one crazy, scary ass psycho-bitch.

2. The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower

It’s the ending, epic as all Hell (except the final battle). There’s also Dandelo, one of the creepiest monsters in the series.

3. The Dark Tower V: The Wolves of the Calla

As a story described as a cross between Lord of the Rings and Clint Eastwood westerns, this book most accurately takes on the western roll... and does it well. Plus you get Father Callahan’s sweet background story.

4. The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass

Although once strictly opposed to this story (seeing as how it really doesn’t have much pertinence to the rest of the series, it’s just simply a great story exposing Roland’s youth and first love. Think of it as the series’ intermission.

5. The Dark Tower I: The Gunslinger

Pretty simple story, here. “The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.” I like it.

6. The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands

Meh. Honestly don’t remember too much of this one. I do remember being a little bored with Jake’s story and not digging the scene where the Ka-Tet brings Jake over to Mid-World. (Susannah getting screwed by an invisible demon -- this is why this project was probably dropped from being a film adaptation.)

7. The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah

The birth of Mordred. This book was actual pretty intense with all of the suspense of saving Susannah, but I’ve honestly forgotten a lot even though it was the second to last in the series. I think that says something.

There you go. All done. Oh, wait... I’m not? Yes that’s right. Get ready for the final book - the prequel to the series - coming out this April, bitches. It will be posted by 2015.