Fable II

I’m opening up a new category here. The “Failed Back-Blogged.” This one is really just meant for the video games out there; the ones that are just too screwed up they won’t let you beat them. For the first submission ever in this category, I submit to you Fable II.

Have you ever played Fable originally released on the XBOX? Well, if you haven’t, here’s the low-down. It’s a (sort of) sandbox type game where you thrive in this fantasy world where all of your actions - good & bad - have consequences which determine how the game will unfold. A concept we’ve seen here a there (Knights of the Old Republic, Black & White), but this established a new vein in the genre. Although a fun idea, Fable was executed poorly. There were many glitches hampering the gameplay and providing unfair cheats to level up my character. Aside from extended moments of lagging (on a game not even played on the internet) there was one point where I found a re-spawn location for a bad dude who yielded quite a bit of experience for every kill. After about 15 minutes of killing the same character over and over again, I had gathered enough experience orbs that I completely maxed out all of my character’s attributes. Yes, it was fun to do so, but I was also only 60% into the game with everything already accomplished. It seemed pointless to play on, however, I did. And that’s a lot more then I can say for its sequel.

As Fable II was released I was excited hoping many of the glitches in the game would be smoothed out as well as adding a larger world with more choices and paths to play through than its predecessor. A couple of years ago, back when I first sat down with this game, I was initially pleased. The maps were larger with more weapons and clothes to choose from. You could buy property, have multiple spouses. You even had a dog sidekick. Things started off great, and for a while everything was good. Then I noticed that some of the windows that would pop up indicating I press the X-button to speak to someone (or something of that nature) would stay posted on the screen long after the opportunity for said action passed. In fact, days would go by without the window leaving. Then finally after the screen wiped clear again, a new window would emerge. It was as if the game was just continuously giving me the finger. On top of all this, the glitchy walking still carried over from the previous game. Every now and then my character would immediately slow to a crawl then suddenly speed up and race across the map without a moment’s notice. It was as if the game inherited its father’s poor genetics. But, still - as in the last game - I persevered.

At this point, dozens of hours had been dedicated to getting through the game despite all its flaws. I was going to beat this. Then, upon entering a new map to activate a quest, I hit my wall. The quest plays out that you walk into a room (at which the doors close behind you) to talk to a chap who will continue the game for you, but after getting locked in, the game just decides it doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. I did everything I could to try and talk to the guy. Nothing works. Believe me. I spent hours in one dinky room while pouring over walkthrough guides with no relief. With my save made int the room there was no escape even with a restart. Finally I had to call the time of death.

Years passed. Now, with Fable III lurking in the distance, I felt it was time to give this game another try. To give the game every possible advantage I used the new hard drive I receive when I bought an XBOX360 Elite (after my previous lad succumbed to the Red-Ring of Death last summer). I even used a new game that I received as a bonus when I purchased the Elite. The planets were aligned and after a moment of brief meditation, I was ready to play.

Bullshit! It only took me about two hours to begin noticing that damn lagging while walking again. However, it still wasn’t that bad. “Maybe I could make it through this,” I repeatedly told myself, “Maybe this is the worse it will get.” NO! I poured in about 10 hours until I began noticing my character being constantly stuck in lag. It was as if the whole world changed to quick sand. Fuck it. I’m doing it anymore. This game is over. Like a failed relationship, I’ve given him way too many chances and he continuously screws me over. He’ll never change. He’ll always be a retarded asshole who will never amount to anything in life. Now I’m just going to curl in bed with a tub of ice cream and Judy Blume novels while I cry over the idea that I wasted so many hours on that bastard.

There’s only one question that remains in my mind: Will I date his brother?