Cronos

Guillermo del Toro is recognized as one of the main powerhouses here in Hollywood. More than just being praised as a true visionary genius... he's got more money than God and - at this very second - is producing a baffling number of movies (Spielberg baffling). Aside from Pan's Labyrinth, I'm not a huge fan of his movies (movies = meh; character design = un-fucking-believable); however, people have kept telling me, "Oh, but have you seen Cronos, his break-out film? That shit's off the chain!" Well, maybe they don't quite sell it like that, but I have had several recommendations to check this guy out... and seeing as how I seem to be the B-horror nerd here, it's my duty to enlighten the rest of you simpletons of my findings.

As I've said - or as others have said to me - this was del Toro's first film. And like most major directors of today, his debut was in the horror genre. Actually, horror might be a bit of an overstep here. This film is not scary, even in the slightest. In fact, there really is no attempt to even try and be scary. On the contrary... it's heartwarming. Here's the plot: In Mexico (or was it Spain?)... In some country where people lack Burger King and speak Spanish, an old antique dealer discovers one of his statues is secretly hiding this fancy-looking gold device - Cronos. With his granddaughter by his side, the old man begins tinkering with the device until some sharp prongs pop out of it and pierce into his hand. The guy's fine... no harm; but next morning he wakes to find he's healthier, younger in fact. Turns out this device is home to some weird-ass bug that somehow sucks in your blood, filters it, and injects it back into you making you super healthy... actually it makes you immortal. The old man finds this out when Ron Perlman (some thug sent out by his dying, rich uncle to find this legendary device) runs the man's car off a cliff and kills him. The old man then awakes in a funeral parlor to find he's all zombified and gross, but never-the-less alive. The film finishes up where the man, with the help of his granddaughter, returns to the dying uncle who wants this Cronos device where they - and Ron Perlman - duke it out, and the film pretty much wraps up from there. (Even though I doubt anyone will see this - who knows? maybe you have already - I'll keep myself from spoiling the ending.)

Now, while the film revolves around this undead protagonist who needs to drink fresh blood to live (oh, yeah... probably should have mentioned that earlier) this is really a sweet film about the relationship between this man and his granddaughter (who also never once freaked out when she saw her granddad show up at her front the day after they buried him all decomposing and shit... I guess that's true love?). Anyways, it's because of this relationship that I back away from calling this a horror. It's actually endearing to see the grandfather look out for the kid in the beginning, then seeing how the girl cares for her grandfather near the end when he needs help after returning to the world of the living.

But let's cut to the chase... did I like this movie? Just like most of del Toro's other flicks, it's a "meh". Aside from Ron Perlman (this man is the shit, and if you haven't seen Drive in theaters yet... see it) the movie didn't do a whole lot for me. It was well made for the indie that it is and has a fairly interesting premise, but I wasn't really that captivated by it... just like all of del Toro's other movies (sans Pan's Labyrinth). However, next year he's coming out with Pacific Rim (some movie about aliens and fighter jets, I think?) and it's got Charlie Day in it. Enough said. I'll be there.