The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

I would like to first thank Keith for gifting me Ocarina of Time on the Wii virtual console in 2008 when I was playing Twilight Princess. Please do not take any of the following anger personally; it was a lovely gift. Four years later, I beat Ocarina of Time. I swore. I yelled. I yelled some more. I have come to the conclusion, and came to this conclusion many many times during the game. I hate Ocarina of Time.

So now I'm going to poorly write a rambling 1500 word high school style essay about the game. I feel like a college admissions person would really have appreciated my story. Feel free to read and relive your childhood memories of playing this.

First off, I’m supposed to find my sword. Well how am I supposed to do that with the old graphics and an awful control system? Seriously. This is the first reason why I gave up on the game. I couldn’t find my sword. I walked all through the forest. I cut down shrubs. Gathered rupees. Threw rocks. Found more rupees. Was overall fascinated with rupees. But I couldn’t find a sword. So I gave up.

Six months later: Steve helped me find my sword. Great! Joy! A ten year old with a pocket knife! So now I’m supposed to visit the Deku Tree. Honestly I don’t remember what happened here. I think I walked up a talking tree. I think little Link ate too many forest mushrooms.

I’m a little hazy on the time line here. I think I very stealthily sneak into a castle to court a princess. Now what? WHO THE HELL KNOWS?! No, Navi, your vague hints are not actually helping guide me to my next location. Navi was almost as bad as Midna. (UGH MIDNA) I tried to get my horse. Too young for a horse. Learned a song for a horse though. I walked up a mountain. Got hit by a few rolling boulders. Was unsuccessful for most of the time. Talked to some Gorons. And you know what? They wanted me to solve their problems. This is a running theme of Zelda. Have the ten year old kid solve your problems. It is very logical.

So I started playing again in 2010 I think. School was busy so I didn’t play there, and I didn’t even unpack my Wii in Westford so I took a little 2 year hiatus. Well deserved I may add. I got my sword! I also wandered aimlessly for a long time. Anywho, Steve and I moved, so I thought I would start playing again. I visited the lovely village of Kakariko. I met some armadillo looking fellows on a mountain. I followed a monkey around the lost woods. And got lost. I helped the Gorons in Dodongo’s cavern. And I helped the water people in the Big Fish Belly. I was super proud of myself. I thought I was like 1/2 done with the game. Wait, what was that? NEITHER OF THESE WERE TEMPLES. Why oh why must I go off on these silly side quests that take me 3x as long as a normal person? Can’t I just complete the gosh darn temples?

At some point Zelda was captured, the world got sad, and I inherited a lovely Ocarina. Isn’t that sweet? A princess gave me an instrument. How lovely. I’m sure I would have left the instrument lying in the middle of Hyrule field if I knew that instrument meant I was supposed to save the land. Seriously great news though. I don’t have to be ten anymore. I can save the land as a seventeen year old. Zelda clearly wanted me to develop my muscles before I took on anything too serious. My big strong muscles allowed me to take the sword from the stone. I feel like this was stolen from a book/movie.

To save the land, I have to reunite the sages. Rosemary, oregano, sage, chives, paprika, and cumin. Na, I’m just kidding. That’s Spice Rack of Time. Honestly though, I’m supposed to go to all of the lands of Hyrule and beat some sort of boss and gather some token. This token is very very important, and eventually they will make me a rainbow road to Gannondorf’s castle. Why these oh so powerful sages need a ten/seventeen year old to do their work for them I’m not sure.

Now I’m going to tell you the things I hated most about the temples. I will give you the cliff notes version. Steve experienced the real life version. I feel bad for him. Note: Now is the time where I am supposed to get my horse. I lost the race and ran out of rupees so I never got my trusty steed. Shucks.

Forest Temple: Before I get to the forest temple I need my handy long shot. Oh no, I mean short pointless shot. Yea, that thing sucks. I gotta say though I don’t remember much about the forest temple which means it must have been ok and not infuriating. In typical Zelda style I just had to solve a few puzzles, move some blocks around, play some songs, and defeat some boss with my newly acquired bow. So predictable. Side note: According to a walk through, I was supposed to get the biggoron’s sword here. I didn’t know. So oops. I think it made my life harder.

Fire Temple: I hate the fire temple because I hate bats on fire. They would hit me. EVERY TIME. Like I am incapable of fighting bats. In the fire temple, I found that I had a problem with walking straight and general Zelda controls. I regularly fell off blocks onto lava and stood at walls trying to climb but couldn’t. I would complete a challenge then fall and have to repeat it. Story of my life. The only fun things about this level is I got to blow up a lot of stuff. Whenever in doubt, blow it up. (I’m also bad at throwing bombs. I would usually drop them at my feet by mistake, hurt myself, and waste a few bombs before I hit my target.). I didn’t like the miniboss in this level either. Some dancing fire fairy that I was supposed to hookshot and blow up. Gr. But now I have a HAMMER. YEA! Break stuff! Limp Bizkit style!

Water Temple: Did I save temple? Sorry I meant dungeon. Because first I have to melt the land of ice with blue fire. And I get iron boots. And iron boots are just awful. The thought of them makes me cringe. The water temple just sucks. I was pretty against walk throughs before the water temple. I considered them cheating and taking the fun out of the game. But I quickly changed my mind. I spent far too many hours trying to figure out where to go on the many levels with the different water levels. Thank you walk through. The only positive thing coming out of the water temple was the long shot. This one is the real deal. I’m pretty sure it’s the only weapon I liked.

Shadow Temple: So this level required me to go to the bottom of the well and get a magnifying glass which lets me see through walls. Neat. It’s a whole dungeons worth of keys before actually getting to the shadow temple. Even neater! The super cute part of the shadow temple is how there is no easy access to the boss. If you die, have fun starting at the beginning of the level! Which I did! Many times! I also got hover boots. Which you know what? Not as cool as they sound! Really it’s just gives you false hope before you plummet into a hole. Or off an edge. This temple took me many sittings to do because I sucked at one part and kept dying and then also died at the boss multiple times. Very annoying. The only bright spot is most of the enemies were spiders which are cool and easy to beat. Unlike Bongo Bongo. He messed me up real good. Kept smacking me with those hands. Jerk. Steve beat this boss for me when I got super frustrated. He came home from work when I was already in a Zelda fit of rage, and he graciously beat Bongo Bongo (took him a few times too). That Bongo Bongo is a jerk.

Spirit Temple: So I did this whole thing before the spirit temple where I rescued some carpenters by fighting angry female guards that kept putting me in jail. I don’t think I actually had to do this because I didn’t get anything out of it. I think I could have raced someone after for a prize. But I didn’t have a horse…so can’t do that! The spirit temple was pretty swell. Mostly because I followed the walk through religiously. Which I had to. Because I never found the map. Woops. The bosses were all these knuckle things but I had a fancy spell so I couldn’t take danger so I just spammed the crap out of my magic and beat the dudes down. I also got to use a shiny mirror. Oooo shiny. This level was also fun because there was a fairy fountain and a great fairy right outside the temple. So you know, when I died I could go stock up on health and magic goodies.

Final Dungeon: Final dungeon! Final dungeon! Gannondorf! Yea! In Twilight Princess I gave up after I got to the final castle. This was certainly not going to happen on this game. I wanted to beat it into the ground. Armed with my trusty walk through, I defeated each of the six mini dungeons. (By the way, thanks Zelda! How did you know I would want to repeat all of the most annoying parts of your game!) I even got a great fairy defense power so my life was basically double. Armed with double life and two fairies, I was all ready to kick Gannondorfs butt. Until I didn’t. So I did it again. And I beat him! But the game wasn’t over yet (of course). I had to escape with Zelda out of the castle before it blew up. I got out with 2 seconds remaining. Cut it a little close. Then FINALLY I had to fight this evil mega Gannon. And you know what? He owned me. I was trying to shoot arrows at him and he would block them. I couldn’t hit his tail. I didn’t have my sword. It was a disaster. And then I got super frustrated. And really angry. And was pretty sure I was never picking up Zelda again. But I triumphed, got Zelda out of the castle again, and took a new strategy with my special magic power that protects me. And I killed that dude. And I rescued the land. And then Zelda turned me back into a child and forgot about the whole thing. It’s like thanks girl. They didn’t even celebrate me. CELEBRATE ME.

So yea, that game was awful. It probably took me 70 hours. 4 years. So many deaths. So much anger Hatred of all the characters and temples. My heart is racing again just writing this. Stupid Zelda.

Ok. Off to buy Skyward Sword!