Conan the Barbarian (1982)

This one has been sitting on my shelf for quite some time. I’m not even too sure how I came into possession of a such a lack-luster movie. I think it may have been purchased (or given to me) in a writing class years ago only because of Oliver Stone’s writing credit. Hailed as one the greatest screenwriters of all time, this at least makes some sense. It was back in his early days when he also did some revisions for De Palma’s Scarface. Regardless of how this movie ever came into my possession, this was one I always rolled my eyes at whenever contemplating watching it. Although I approve of the majority of Schwarzenegger films – as cheesy as they maybe (probably why I love them) – this, from what clips I’ve seen, just looked too slow paced and boring for my liking. But, hey, I had nothing going on this weekend, so why not bother…

God, this movie sucked. Clocking in at a little over two hours, this film grinded along slower than frozen molasses. It starts off with Conan as a little boy who watches his small Nordic camp get wiped out by a rouge/cult-ish group of warriors known as the Snakes. With only Conan and his mother still alive, the Snakes’ leader (James Earl Jones in a bad wig) hypnotizes the mom to put her sword down only allowing him to decapitate her in one slice. Conan is sent off into slavery with the rest of the children where he spends his entire youth doing physical labor which turns his into our masculine hero – Arnold. Shortly after he’s thrown into cage match where he’s first introduced to fighting. Socking, he wins. Cue the montage as he slays opponent after opponent until his master spontaneously frees him one night. (I’m still not sure why this happened? It was like his master felt guilty for keeping someone so awesome in his possession, but that’s only a guess.) Then Conan starts his quest to get revenge on the Snakes.

Normally, I enjoy campy, dated action flicks… and I did for this; for a few fleeting moments. Those fleeting moments were only of James Earl Jones or Arnold making a tremendous idiot of himself, like this...

or this...

How do you free yourself when crucified? Bite a vulture's damn head off.

Now, while this movie contains gratuitous nudity, violence, oiled-up muscle men, and a fight with a giant, plastic snake it shockingly just didn’t do it for me. Once again, everything just felt stale and slow no matter what the content. However, that James Earl Jones... scene stealer. As the leader of the Snakes, he’s suppose to have some super powers with the ability to hypnotize his victims – how Conan’s mother died. So, whenever he’s on camera, he just stares down the audience with his blue eyes gazing at you (a black man with blue eyes... go figure?). Haunting, but awesome. At one point when Conan first breaks into the Snakes' fortress, James Earl Jones actually transforms into a giant snake only to slither away out the backdoor. (The giant snake I mentioned earlier in this paragraph was a different monster all together. Try and keep up with me people.) It just seems so weird that the one time we see the enemy's true power, he uses it to run away. But let me skip to the ending for a minute here. It's what makes the movie.

The end of the second act, Arnold dies from crucifixion and is then brought back to life by some voodoo spirit shit - one of his sidekicks is a wizard, enough said. There's really no reason for this. I only bring that up because Conan is essentially Jesus with muscles now. Anywho, Conan returns to the Snakes' fortress for one last round. He's taken out all the guards and goons, now all that's left is the bossman himself. Standing in front of his entire following, receiving his praise, Conan approaches him from behind before Jones turns around where they have a standoff. Now, this would be a great moment for this guy to unleash that snake transformation shit he pulled earlier, but, no. He's going to babble about being Conan's true father (hearing James Earl Jones saying "I'm your father" again was endearing). Finally, Conan has enough. Pulls out his "true" father's broken sword (same sword that killed his mother) and takes off the Snakes' leader's head, holds it up for all of his followers to see, then chucks it at them. Although the movie drags on through the majority of it, it does pay off in the last scene. I can honestly say I was expecting non of that.

Now, there is a sequel they allude to in the credits: Conan the Destroyer. I do not own this, and - God willing - I never will.