BAILS:
The Walking Dead: Season 7
What a load off. Sixteen hours a year I'm getting back by dumping this load. That's huge! That's a whole waking day. I can't say I won't occasionally miss The Walking Dead - just three episodes into this season's second half, both Keith and Bridget were independently telling me it had gotten pretty good. But sure enough, a few weeks later Keith was venting about Rick and Michonne's non-believable relationship and all my favorite corners of the Internet were devoid of chatter about the show. At this point it's crystal clear what the show does - a big premiere and a big finale every half-season, with lots of action and deaths and shit, but six filler episodes in between. It's a shame! This was legitimately getting better somewhere around the middle of the fourth season and running right through the middle of the fifth - adding Abraham, Rosita, and Eugene; those dead little girls; Terminus; Bob and "tainted meat;" Beth and Tyreese meeting untimely ends; Morgan hot on the trail - really everything between the Prison and Alexandria, i.e. the calendar year of 2014, was good stuff, which is no surprise since this show has always been at its best when its characters are split up or at least on the move in some way. But Alexandria and Morgan have just felt like the farm and the prison and the Governor all over again, the show repeating its own failures and dragging its feet, and come on, that's just not gonna fly anymore in the seventh goddamn season. You can't just tease future payoffs to current conflicts and call that a season-long arc. I hate this shit. I'm done. No more! (Until enough people inevitably tell me it's gotten "really good" again and I binge my way back to being caught up in a year or two, when the show still has no end in sight. Naturally.)
Modern Family: Season 8
Fitting that I'm axing this and The Walking Dead at the same time; both are shows I've previously given up on and then come crawling back to, and both have been around longer than most shows dream of lasting. If Modern Family deserves credit for anything these past few seasons, it's keeping kids - actual kids, not teenagers and college kids - in the picture by having, say, 40-year old Sofia Vergara and 70-year-old Ed O'Neill make a baby. Yeah, that would happen! This cast just keeps growing and spreading out, which has only exacerbated the same problem it's always had - that there's no realistic way to get this extended family together in one place every week, but that keeping them separated leads to really stale and simple sets of seven-minute stories where half the cast still ends up in the margins in any given episode. It's just not very good anymore! Punting it hardly feels necessary, but with so much damn television out there, why waste more time on this over-aged mess? Maybe for a farewell season or something, but otherwise, so long!
The Last Man on Earth: Season 3
Some of these bails are "good riddance!" cuts that feel freeing and relieving. Others come with more of a regretful "aww..." and a crocodile tear or two. This falls into that latter category. The Last Man on Earth is dumb, fun, and unique! But it isn't... very good. Or even kind of good. Don't get me wrong, when it has its moments it's a riot - this season's premiere, in which Jon Hamm shows up just to get gut-shot by January Jones (ha!) within two minutes comes to mind - but moments like that are few and far between, it seems, with tons of filler and stalling in between. In a weird way this show shares a problem with The Walking Dead, which is that it's set in some sort of post-apocalypse with no real hope for humanity. The Walking Dead leans into this, and it's exhausting; The Last Man on Earth mostly ignores it, and the result is something nihilistic but not necessarily funny. What's the point of any of it? At best, this is a show that could run for a few more seasons, bringing in (and killing off) guest stars like it's been doing. But it never quite seemed to fully realize its potential, and after a necessary course correction in Season 2 that made its main character likable instead of loathsome, there haven't really been any improvements. Keeping up with it just because I like some of the actors involved would be like a weird form of TV hoarding; the cuts must go on!
Homeland: Season 6
If there's a running theme among all my bails in 2017 so far it's been that "because I've come this far" is not an acceptable answer to the question "why am I still watching this?" (Unless the end's actually in sight - Hi, Workaholics.) So it goes for Homeland, which went away for all of 2016 before popping back in with a storyline about a controversial female president-elect and a load of fake news conspiracies. Yeah, Homeland, the thing about ripping stories from the headlines is you've got to get your predictions right for your stories to stick. I'm not suggesting Homeland jumped any sort of shark here or got noticeably worse - I only saw one episode in Season 6, and frankly, the show hasn't been great since Season 2 - but in an ever-more-crowded TV landscape, and with the actual shitshow going on in Washington right now, I'm just not all that invested in seeing how this arc plays out. (And it doesn't help that I was without any access to Showtime for three months.)
Twin Peaks: Season 2
Consensus has always been that the first season of Twin Peaks - eight episodes long - was a beautiful masterpiece of weird, creepy melodrama, surreal and unsettling but fascinating and out-of-nowhere funny. Consensus has also been that the show flew off the rails in Season 2, getting more and more schlocky and silly after resolving the pilot's mystery that it had perhaps already dragged out too long - who killed Laura Palmer? Just three short months ago I said, in my post on Season 1, "with a revival slated for later this year on Showtime I'm interested in seeing [Twin Peaks] through. Hey, worst case, this becomes another X-Files experience that I throw on in the background and pay half attention to. I can swing that for 22 episodes, no question." Ha! What a stupid, young, naive fool! No question? Oh, you dumbass. You had no idea how busy life would get, back to work in the real world, did you? And you had no idea how little you'd care about Twin Peaks even before the Laura Palmer murder mystery wrapped. So, yeah - I still want to check out the third season on Showtime, especially if the reviews are good (and also kinda sort if they're terrible) but I'm also ready to call it quits on Season 2 after dragging myself through nine episodes. The finale is apparently excellent, but so what? That's not worth devoting another ten or more hours of my time to, right? The prequel movie that came out a year later, on the other hand... stay tuned.
Homeland: Season 6
If there's a running theme among all my bails in 2017 so far it's been that "because I've come this far" is not an acceptable answer to the question "why am I still watching this?" (Unless the end's actually in sight - Hi, Workaholics.) So it goes for Homeland, which went away for all of 2016 before popping back in with a storyline about a controversial female president-elect and a load of fake news conspiracies. Yeah, Homeland, the thing about ripping stories from the headlines is you've got to get your predictions right for your stories to stick. I'm not suggesting Homeland jumped any sort of shark here or got noticeably worse - I only saw one episode in Season 6, and frankly, the show hasn't been great since Season 2 - but in an ever-more-crowded TV landscape, and with the actual shitshow going on in Washington right now, I'm just not all that invested in seeing how this arc plays out. (And it doesn't help that I was without any access to Showtime for three months.)
Twin Peaks: Season 2
Consensus has always been that the first season of Twin Peaks - eight episodes long - was a beautiful masterpiece of weird, creepy melodrama, surreal and unsettling but fascinating and out-of-nowhere funny. Consensus has also been that the show flew off the rails in Season 2, getting more and more schlocky and silly after resolving the pilot's mystery that it had perhaps already dragged out too long - who killed Laura Palmer? Just three short months ago I said, in my post on Season 1, "with a revival slated for later this year on Showtime I'm interested in seeing [Twin Peaks] through. Hey, worst case, this becomes another X-Files experience that I throw on in the background and pay half attention to. I can swing that for 22 episodes, no question." Ha! What a stupid, young, naive fool! No question? Oh, you dumbass. You had no idea how busy life would get, back to work in the real world, did you? And you had no idea how little you'd care about Twin Peaks even before the Laura Palmer murder mystery wrapped. So, yeah - I still want to check out the third season on Showtime, especially if the reviews are good (and also kinda sort if they're terrible) but I'm also ready to call it quits on Season 2 after dragging myself through nine episodes. The finale is apparently excellent, but so what? That's not worth devoting another ten or more hours of my time to, right? The prequel movie that came out a year later, on the other hand... stay tuned.
FAILS:
Taboo
So, Academy Awards be damned, we all know the best part of The Revenant was Tom Hardy, who just fucking goes for it in whatever he does. That seems like the only reason Taboo even exists - it's Tom Hardy playing another violent, crazy asshole in the early 1800s. This one also had the High Sparrow from Game of Thrones and... it didn't hold our interest whatsoever. I think we made it through three episodes but I was mentally checked out after one. Even a shortened eight-episode season couldn't save this for me. We let a nice backlog of episodes build up and just never checked them out - and then a surprise second season order was the final straw. No way we'd be coming back for that one, so why bother seeking closure on this season?
Powerless
I really wanted this NBC comedy to work out. I gave it five whole episodes. It's got Danny Pudi and Ron Funches, two guys I always want to see succeed. But, blech. There's just nothing here. Even the premise should be interesting. This takes place in the DC universe and focuses on the little people, the regular joes, folks like you and me, just trying to get by and survive in a world full of superheroes and villains. (Get the title now?) I mean, that's an inherently interesting idea for a show in 2017, when there are, oh, a dozen shows and movies every year about goddamn superheroes. Why not take a moment to focus on the plebes? Problem is, it doesn't really work - at least not the way Powerless is set up, which is at a tech company that specializes in inventions like umbrellas for skyscraper debris and Superman-proof windows. It's just flimsy. You could make jokes about a company so focused on its bottom line that the city routinely falling apart around it has no ill effects, but Powerless isn't interested in being that kind of show; it's just a silly, straightforward office sitcom about a new team lead or project manager or something (Vanessa Hudgens) struggling to connect to her employees and earn their mutual respect and friendship. You might say that despite being the boss she's... powerless! (Ha! See what they did?) But no, this was pretty bad. It was also, predictably, canceled shortly after I stopped watching it.
Casual
A few years ago, Hulu was showing the first episode of Casual for free. I watched it, didn't love it, and happily moved on. Flash forward to now, when I went ahead and got Hulu (at least for a month or two) in order to see The Handmaid's Tale. As much as I dug The Handmaid's Tale, I figured, hey, shit, while I've got Hulu, might as well check out some more of their original content. So I watched the second episode of Casual. Didn't love it once again. And you know what? Two is plenty. Whatever it is these guys are selling, I ain't buying! This family rom-com (no, not like that) just didn't do much for me. The premise is too bland and the cast too vanilla for anything to stand out here. And that's fine! But, yeah - no Casual for me.
Harlots
Another Hulu show, another big fat fail. Womp! This one's a period piece about prostitutes in 18th century London. That one sitting dead center in the poster? Yeah, that's Lady Sybil. Loved her in Downton! Swoon. Anyway, turns out this is an hour-long drama rather than a half-hour sitcom. Maybe I should have known that going in, but I didn't! And if I had, hey, I might not even have checked this out. It wasn't even bad, really - I almost feel bad calling it a fail - but while a 1700s comedy could have been rife with potential - shit, I watched Another Period for two seasons - I just don't need to throw a 1700s drama onto my backlog right now. One season of AMC's Turn was enough to poison that well for quite some time. In another life, perhaps...
The Hotwives
Yup - it's another Hulu fail! I saw, like, a thousand ads for this last summer when I was watching all those Seeso shows. Which is weird, because Hulu and Seeso aren't owned by the same parent company or anything. Anyway, it's a Real Housewives spoof as you could probably imagine. The cast is talented and familiar enough - I wanted to get a kick out of this, really - but it just wasn't for me. Probably because I've never seen any Real Housewives and never will. Not even in another life!
Casual
A few years ago, Hulu was showing the first episode of Casual for free. I watched it, didn't love it, and happily moved on. Flash forward to now, when I went ahead and got Hulu (at least for a month or two) in order to see The Handmaid's Tale. As much as I dug The Handmaid's Tale, I figured, hey, shit, while I've got Hulu, might as well check out some more of their original content. So I watched the second episode of Casual. Didn't love it once again. And you know what? Two is plenty. Whatever it is these guys are selling, I ain't buying! This family rom-com (no, not like that) just didn't do much for me. The premise is too bland and the cast too vanilla for anything to stand out here. And that's fine! But, yeah - no Casual for me.
Harlots
Another Hulu show, another big fat fail. Womp! This one's a period piece about prostitutes in 18th century London. That one sitting dead center in the poster? Yeah, that's Lady Sybil. Loved her in Downton! Swoon. Anyway, turns out this is an hour-long drama rather than a half-hour sitcom. Maybe I should have known that going in, but I didn't! And if I had, hey, I might not even have checked this out. It wasn't even bad, really - I almost feel bad calling it a fail - but while a 1700s comedy could have been rife with potential - shit, I watched Another Period for two seasons - I just don't need to throw a 1700s drama onto my backlog right now. One season of AMC's Turn was enough to poison that well for quite some time. In another life, perhaps...
The Hotwives
Yup - it's another Hulu fail! I saw, like, a thousand ads for this last summer when I was watching all those Seeso shows. Which is weird, because Hulu and Seeso aren't owned by the same parent company or anything. Anyway, it's a Real Housewives spoof as you could probably imagine. The cast is talented and familiar enough - I wanted to get a kick out of this, really - but it just wasn't for me. Probably because I've never seen any Real Housewives and never will. Not even in another life!
TALES:
Property Brothers S10 E11: "Fixer-upper For Dog Lovers"
We stayed at my brother-in-law's place back in March for a good old Vermont weekend, and as Saturday night wound down and the pizza and beer pushed us into couch-based lethargy, I sat through - and was even sort of invested in - an entire episode of Property Brothers. This one dealt with a $600,000 house in what we think we deduced was downtown Nashville, and it had all kinds of flooding problems. (Credit to anyone who tackles a real fixer-upper, but multiple generations of neglect and poor choices just aren't something I can ever see myself signing up for. A project is one thing, but a home should be another!) Anyway, I remain unmoved by Property Brothers and unclear on what the appeal is. What makes this different from the fifty-seven other HGTV and HGTV-adjacent shows that have come out in the last fifteen years? Lines are open, I'll take my answer in the comments section, thanks.
Full Frontal S2 E6: "April 5, 2017"
Marissa went ahead and started recording this show. I've got nothing against Samantha Bee, but I'm just barely hanging onto John Oliver at this point, and if anything I could probably stand to watch fewer "liberal bubble" Daily Show spiritual successors. But sure, this was funny enough. There's a very different rhythm to this one than there is to the aforementioned HBO Sunday night show; Oliver's got production value and a desk-based Weekend Update-style set-up with long-form informational deep dives, whereas Bee is doing much more of a proper Daily Show thing with segments and correspondents (or, at least one correspondent, I should say). It made for a nice change of pace and I'd easily and readily watch more of her, but again, I'm just not looking to add more helpings of this specific genre to my plate at the moment.
iZombie S3 E5: "Spank the Zombie"
About a month ago, someone somewhere on the Internet posted a list called something like "every CW show ever, ranked." Exhaustive ranked lists are my bread and butter, so I gave it a shot and was delighted to see that Jane the Virgin and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend led the way in first and second place respectively. In third place, though? Not Veronica Mars (5) or Gilmore Girls (8) or Everybody Hates Chris (10) or Gossip Girl (15) or - sorry, Marissa - Hart of Dixie (16), but rather - yes, of course, you've guessed it - iZombie, the show about a medical student who becomes a zombie and works at a morgue in order to eat brains in a not-a-threat-to-society way. Except when she eats these brains, she takes on the personality of - and begins to experience flashbacks of - the people the brains belonged to. So sometimes she uses the brains to solve murders, I guess? I dunno, that's the plot synopsis on Wikipedia, but I decided to jump in for a closer look. I mean this thing just sounded awful - like Tru Calling meets Bones, plus zombies - but third best? Of all time? Even on the CW, that's saying something! But enough with the preamble - an entire paragraph dedicated to "no, no, I have to explain why I watched this, you guys!" - how was it? Eh. Fine, really. But also a lot like Bones meets Tru Calling. The episode I saw seemed to have a straightforward and self-contained A-story, but with at least one B-story (and possibly two?) that felt like a mere chapter from something much bigger. The main character was charismatic and compelling, but I think a lot of the appeal here is in watching her try on different personalities week in and week out. The rest of the performances I could take or leave. Oh, and Ken Marino was here as some kind of humorously amoral lawyer figure - is he recurring, or was this a one-off spot? I'll probably never know! So yeah, I get the appeal, I think, but iZombie was a long, long way from being Jane the Virgin or Crazy Ex-Girlfriend in my book.
iZombie S3 E5: "Spank the Zombie"
About a month ago, someone somewhere on the Internet posted a list called something like "every CW show ever, ranked." Exhaustive ranked lists are my bread and butter, so I gave it a shot and was delighted to see that Jane the Virgin and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend led the way in first and second place respectively. In third place, though? Not Veronica Mars (5) or Gilmore Girls (8) or Everybody Hates Chris (10) or Gossip Girl (15) or - sorry, Marissa - Hart of Dixie (16), but rather - yes, of course, you've guessed it - iZombie, the show about a medical student who becomes a zombie and works at a morgue in order to eat brains in a not-a-threat-to-society way. Except when she eats these brains, she takes on the personality of - and begins to experience flashbacks of - the people the brains belonged to. So sometimes she uses the brains to solve murders, I guess? I dunno, that's the plot synopsis on Wikipedia, but I decided to jump in for a closer look. I mean this thing just sounded awful - like Tru Calling meets Bones, plus zombies - but third best? Of all time? Even on the CW, that's saying something! But enough with the preamble - an entire paragraph dedicated to "no, no, I have to explain why I watched this, you guys!" - how was it? Eh. Fine, really. But also a lot like Bones meets Tru Calling. The episode I saw seemed to have a straightforward and self-contained A-story, but with at least one B-story (and possibly two?) that felt like a mere chapter from something much bigger. The main character was charismatic and compelling, but I think a lot of the appeal here is in watching her try on different personalities week in and week out. The rest of the performances I could take or leave. Oh, and Ken Marino was here as some kind of humorously amoral lawyer figure - is he recurring, or was this a one-off spot? I'll probably never know! So yeah, I get the appeal, I think, but iZombie was a long, long way from being Jane the Virgin or Crazy Ex-Girlfriend in my book.
Alright - that's plenty for now. I'll be back in a few more months with another dump, I'm sure!
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