DeathSpank

Well, it’s happened... My post Swimming with Sharks has lost it’s first place spot as the most viewed article on this damn site. And what does it lose to? The Human Centipede. A movie - if you can call it that - about a three person, ass-to-mouth monstrosity. Although I haven’t seen it, I have Googled it and can honestly say the images alone have scarred my soul and continue to haunt my dreams.

So I’ll be sure to make it the next item to slash off my back-log. Now onto DeathSpank.

OK. You’re sitting at home one boring night contemplating on what to do or how drunk you should be before doing it, when you finally decide on VIDEO GAMES and VERY. Without another notice you slam down five shots of your favorite drink (mine: St. Tum’s - a fusion between rum, tequila, Saint Germain’s... delicious, you must try it) and go to grab the car keys to race over to your local gaming supply store when the floor begins to spins. Crush by the fact that you’ve made a fatal error in the sequencing of your nightly routine, you slouch down in your recliner and begin strolling through the virtually isles of your neighborhood e-gaming market in a last ditch effort to adhere to your preordained agenda. Now while most of you might have veered towards playing an old title from your back-log instead, I purchased a game about a spunky little knight who wears a thong of justice.

I believe this game has some connections to the creators of the Monkey Island series (no, not Lucas Entertainment... something else) only because a bit of their humor seems to match up. This is not necessarily a good thing. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start by explaining the long, intricate plot:

You’re a knight - as I’ve already stated - on search for the Artifact.

...That’s all.

I mean there is a villain to give the game a bit more depth, but I think he’s only bad because he’s hindering your progress to get the Artifact. Oh... “What’s the Artifact?” you ask. Why it’s the Artifact, of course. In all seriousness, though, this ambiguity goes along with the game’s humor - just like how DeathSpank gains all his power from his magical thong he sports. While the humor is cute and - somewhat - funny at first, it gets old really fast. As you make your way across the map to find your precious Artifact you have numerous conversations with all those you encounter along the way and every line of dialogue has to be another damn joke. It just wears thin after a while - like around five minutes.

Despite its annoying humor, the game is addicting. It plays out kind of like “Diablo” for all of you that remember middle school. A run around hack-n-slash where you’re constantly picking up new armor and weapons. Oh, the upgrading. I swear, now matter how bad the game, as long as you put in place a simple yet rewarding leveling system you will get your audience to push on through your game, faults and all.

That’s what happened to me. In the span of one night I made it to the “end” of the game. Did I get the Artifact? No. Why? Well, because it wasn’t really the end of the game. Yes, I defeated the major boss who was constantly keeping me from the progressing onward, and when it finally looks as though I’m coming onto a new area on my map the game freezes up and tells me to stay tuned... there’s sure more to come in the future. WTF?! Basically, after hours of playtime, the creators reward their faithful audience by flicked them off while rubbing their XBOX points all over their naked bodies.

And the worst part off all... When they do release the next installment, I’ll be sure to sulk back to my TV, bend over, and prepare to - once again - take it up the tailpipe.

Please, don’t look at me anymore. I can’t bare the shame.