All the Pretty Horses

I struggled with this one, just like I struggled with my first McCarthy go-round in The Road. Here's what I could muster up on Goodreads, and I don't think it's one of my better or more insightful paragraphs:

Reads like a sunset. For all his talents, McCarthy's greatest strength might be how thoroughly and deeply he can paint a scene in a few simple sentences with an economical vocabulary. Can't help but imagine all those Coors commercials with Sam Elliott's voice are trying to imitate it, really. The book's a modern Western, which is to say an anti-Western, a story that pits a young man's code of cowboy ethics against the harsh realities of the world. What if Ned Stark had carried a six shooter instead of a broadsword and gone to Mexico instead of King's Landing? Yeah - this is that sort of story, giving way to "cold cruel world" nihilism without ever losing that penchant for romance and beauty on the margins of it all. It's about exposing idealism as a dangerous myth, but it's not about tearing down the ideals themselves. A perfectly fine read that might have gone down just a bit easier if McCarthy weren't fundamentally opposed to using quotation marks around his pitch-perfect dialogue. The scoundrel.

Meh. Never a good sign when all I can do is half-heartedly touch on the themes of the story less succinctly than you could pull them off of Sparknotes. Maybe McCarthy just isn't for me - but the frustrating part is, he really should be! The ideals of the American cowboy running full force into the wall that is the cold indifference of the world - that's something I can get behind, usually. And I'm not kidding when I praise the man's descriptive word-paintings. This really is some beautiful writing! Oh well - plenty more opportunities for me to get behind Cormac McCarthy, I'm sure.

Final Fantasy XIV: Dad of Light: Season 1

Come on, that title!

This was very nakedly an eight-episode advertisement for Final Fantasy XIV, an MMORPG that's already been out for a number of years. And yet, it was also this oddly touching story about a young man and his father. The kid - around twenty it seemed, and living at home - notices that his father had been acting super weird and quiet and distant lately. So the kid, remembering how he and his father bonded over playing early Final Fantasy titles on their Famicom all those years ago, sets his old man up with a Final Fantasy XIV account. The kid then stalks his father online in the game, acting as a sort of guardian angel when his dad's low-level character stumbles into trouble. Eventually the kid befriends his own dad, and of course his dad has no idea it's his son until the very end. (Or did a small part of him know all along? (No.))

How delightfully masculine! How deliciously Japanese! The father's too ashamed to open up to his son directly, and the son's too respectful of his father's silence, so instead they reconnect anonymously thanks to the power of the Internet and Final Fantasy - wow!

Like I said, it's nakedly an advertisement for a video game, and the cynic in all of us should absolutely hate this thing just for existing. But it has its charms, against all odds. Certainly nothing anyone needs to check out, but, yes, this is in fact out there on Netflix. Amazing!

Two more things, before I forget. One is that this little series, albeit scripted, is apparently based on a real story. The second is that the kid's avatar is a busty, beautiful, blonde woman. Japan, everyone!

The Vietnam War: Season 1

(Oh Jesus, let's hope there's never a Season 2.)

In a September that saw all kinds of new seasons of television drop on every channel from broadcast to streaming, I thought it might be almost impossible to find the time for an 18-hour documentary about the Vietnam War. But I also felt it was important to watch an 18-hour documentary on the Vietnam War. Certainly more so than, like, the fourth season of Transparent, you know? I've also never seen any of Ken Burns' work. I know, right?

I found this thoroughly informative. "Enjoyable" is probably an inappropriate word to use, but I liked how much I learned, if that makes sense. (History nerd!) To this point in my life I'd always thought of the Vietnam War as just this messy morass of jungle-fighting in Southeast Asia - which, granted, it was - without ever understanding the timeline of it all, the political machine at work that churned out bad decision after bad decision, the complicated ethical quandary of reconciling "we shouldn't have gotten involved with this war" with the pot-committed notion of "but we shouldn't quit now." It's a tragedy, obviously, and an opportunity for a lesson learned. I'd say "let's not forget this one," but the fact that I hardly knew the half of it at 29 years of age despite being well-educated and all makes me a bit of a cynic on that front.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Gosh, I don't know how to react to Marvel movies anymore. I really didn't care for the first Guardians of the Galaxy very much, but can't deny that this was brighter and bolder and wackier and just more fun, in general. And, shit, that's what a comic book movie ought to be, right? Fun? And that's what this was. But Jesus, when the flying raccoon and the baby tree stump join forces with Captain America and the Hulk in a couple years to save the universe or Marisa Tomei or whatever, the tonal inconsistency is going to make my goddamn head explode. "Oh, we take these movies very seriously, and have been building to this cathartic death scene for literally over a decade. Now check out this blue motherfucker over here!" Yes, that's right - the biggest thing preventing me from liking this movie without reservation was my inability not to think about how it takes place in the same universe as Iron Man 2. Good work, Marvel. Everything you do supports everything else you do, and taints it just as well.

But no, really, this was completely absurd and, as such, enjoyable.

Table 19

This was a frustrating movie in so many senses of the word. Its failure both critically and commercially hardly resonates as any sort of big deal, don't get me wrong, and it's not so much frustrating that a movie like this should have been better as it is that this movie could have so easily been so much better. Let's quickly highlight the elements that work.

For one, there's a good assembly of people here! Not a star-studded cast by any stretch, but it's a great mix of recognizable character actors and TV people. From left to right on that poster alone we've got Stephen Merchant (Ricky Gervais' number two man, Hello Ladies), Tony Revolori (The Grand Budapest Hotel, Spider-Man: Homecoming), June Squibb, Craig Robinson, Anna Kendrick, and Lisa Kudrow. Not pictured here are the guy from Everybody Wants Some and the virtual reality haunted house episode of Black Mirror, Monica from Silicon Valley, Hannah's mom from Girls, or Andy Daly. Oh, or how about the voice of Margo Martindale? The screenplay comes courtesy of the Duplass brothers. Just lots of people I enjoy seeing get work, really. No one here to root against, and plenty of people to appreciate.

Okay, for another thing, the premise here was clever and seemed easy enough to pull off. If you've seen any trailers for this one, you already know it, but just in case, here it goes. A group of strangers get shafted to the "misfit" table at a wedding. They're all cold and annoyed at first, but over the course of the next four to eight hours, wouldn't you know it, there's a Breakfast Club type bonding as they come to know each other as more than just "the couple with a failing marriage" and "the old lady" and "the overeager kid playing way out of his league trying to hook up with someone tonight."

Except... they never really get there. The movie ends with them having arrived there, the last six people on the dance floor, richer for having experienced each other and the evening, but that's not really the same thing, you know? They're just sort of cold and awkward at first, and Anna Kendrick's character is going through some shit, and once they all realize her history with the bride and the best man they sort of collectively console and comfort and support her, and then all go off to hang out together and smoke some weed and comment on what a beautiful day it is. There's no real farce. There's no real drama.

And, worst of all but rather predictably, there's no real comedy. It's a cute enough movie, a fun enough movie, but it's completely forgettable, completely happy to just go through the motions without a single memorable scene or sequence, no quotable lines, no zany back and forth dialogue that really sings. It's absolutely disposable and forgettable. And there's nothing wrong with that, and I can't say it's a bad movie, but again, to circle back and bring this home, it's a movie that so easily could have been a better movie.

I haven't even touched on all the weird holes in the script and the way the bride-groom-best man-Anna Kendrick-maid of honor polygon doesn't work at all, but who cares? Certainly not you! My apologies, and thanks for making it this far.

Gone Home

Oh hey, a video game! Remember those? Here's Gone Home, which at least Keith and Sweeney have already played through. It's free on Xbox Games with Gold this month, and why not check it out? It's a quick one, and it probably took me only two or three hours to play through.

Both Keith and Sween were hesitant with praise when I told them I was playing Gone Home, each saying something to the effect of, "It was a big deal in 2013, but I wonder how well it's held up." I don't want to say anything at all that could spoil it, but let's just say this started out as an absolute horror game and... subverted my expectations. Games! Art! Free. Enjoy!

Stan's TV Dump: Summer 2017

Let's find out what I couldn't bring myself to stick with over the long summer.

BAILS:

Sense8: Season 2

This just wasn't ever for me. Loved the idea here - eight people around the world are connected in a vague way and can swap places with each other in moments of crisis, almost like a good Heroes concept. But something about the execution just never landed. I loved, or at least liked, most of the characters, but what's the overarching plot here? I could have kept going with Sense8, but it was always a Marissa show and she wasn't exactly pushing for it, you know? Two episodes into Season 2 was as good a point as any for me to quietly call it a wrap on my end.

FAILS:

Great News

This wasn't awful, but God, who has the time or patience to stick around and wait for big network sitcoms to figure their shit out anymore? Parks and Recreation had a rough first season, the American Office had a rough first season - it's true, network sitcoms rarely impress at first. But with the rise of all these singular-vision six-to-ten-episode prestige half-hour shows on streaming and cable channels, what exactly is appealing about this, and to whom? John Michael Higgins? Horatio Sanz? Nicole Richie? And it's produced by Robert Carlock and Tina Fey? Really, who is this for? Thirty-three-year-old women who miss 30 Rock? Sixty-seven-year-old men making the daring trip over from CBS? I mean, no harm no foul and all, it's not like I'm rooting for this thing to fail. I just can't imagine NBC thought it would be even a modestly successful show.

The Mist

Ugh. Great novella, arguably an even better movie, and still I knew from the get-go that this TV adaption would suck some major ass. And boy, did it ever! What made The Mist work so well in book and movie form was that it stuck a bunch of people in a grocery store and surrounded it with horrifying Lovecraftian monsters. Yes, the people ultimately turned on each other, because Stephen King loves nothing more than to explore the dark side of human nature. But either way, there was tension galore and an understanding that each and every one of these people could (and probably would) meet a grizzly end in short manner. The Mist was never going to be a good TV show. It's just not meant to be stretched out into a weeks-long event, it doesn't need an ensemble cast of heroes. But damn, this Spike adaptation was just every bit as bad as the CBS Under the Dome series that somehow lasted for three years and for all the same reasons - shitty acting, watering down some very raw and potent source material, unnecessary secondary plots, you name it. A predictable mess!

Gravity Falls

This wasn't bad. I jumped on into it after how much I enjoyed Steven Universe and Over the Garden Wall - why not give another kid-friendly but well-reviewed series a shot? This one's from Disney, and it's about two kids at a surreal and supernatural summer camp. (Kristen Schaal voices the girl because Kristen Schaal is required by law to be in at least one out of every five shows on television.) And listen - again - not bad! Nothing wrong with it. It just felt a little more, uh, kid-oriented than something I feel any need to devote twenty hours of my time to. Sorry! Still haven't given up on Adventure Time, though...

I Love Dick
Certainly not the show with the most buzz, but the buzz it had was pretty good, all the same. I wanted to love it and expected to at least like it, but alas, I just couldn't get into it! Would have made for a quick and easy finish, too, what with just the eight or ten episodes or whatever it was, and all of them half an hour. Nope - sorry! It just didn't click for me. I'm glad so many other people liked it, though.

American Gods
Not all fails - and not all bails - come from complete disinterest in a show. Some of them come from more of a combination of slight disinterest and viewing difficulty. Something on basic cable that's always on demand is a really easy thing to catch up on; something streaming, even better - when you already pay for the streaming service. But American Gods? That shit's on Starz, and really, who the hell is paying for Starz? And why? Starz is the channel you barely notice when your cable provider gives it to you for free for three months. The thing is, though - we would have probably paid for a month of Starz in order to catch the rest of American Gods if the first episode had been anything more than an occasionally interesting clusterfuck. The lone scene in the episode that had me interested in the show whatsoever was a fairly graphic sex scene, not because of the sex itself but because of the way the room was lit and the way the scene was scored and more than anything the weird way it ended. Otherwise? Meh. Too many hour-longs out there as it is, and after stumbling my way through Twin Peaks I don't feel any need to delve back into whatever the hell this was. Still have the book, though, and I still plan to read it, too! One day.

The Defenders
Marissa and I didn't even bother with Iron Fist, but figured we'd give this a shot. We lasted something like one and a quarter episodes before turning it off for good, just not giving a shit whatsoever. Even at a mere eight episodes, I had no interest at all in plowing through another season of Marvel on Netflix. Life's too short! There's too much other, better television! Who has the time? And so forth and so on. (Even Trevor seemed non-impressed by this one. That right there's the only vote of confidence I need for this bail!)

The Tick
I had no real interest in this one, but when I saw that it was only six episodes I figured I could give it a try. I quit after just one episode. I wasn't into it at all. Nothing wrong with a superhero spoof, but I just expected something more fun than this thing. Trev tells me the early 2000s version from Fox is much better. Maybe I'll check that out one day! This one? Nah, never again.

TALES:

The Great British Baking Show S7 E3: "Bread Week"

This is such a goddamn delight. It's more calming and soothing than any reality TV show or competition TV show out there. Just a bunch of British people being self-deprecating about their work while they bake delicious looking food. You watch this show, and you learn - actually learn - about baking techniques. Who goes home every week feels largely like a secondary concern to how much everyone has learned and can teach about the proper way to make a cream pie. It's soothing, not stressful. Contrast that to...

MasterChef S8 E6: "Silenced by the Lambs"; S8 E12: "In a Pinch"; S8 E13: "Gordon's Game of Chicken"; S8 E20: "Finale" 

Ugh. I watched two or three seasons of this show and only ever felt stressed and manipulated when doing so. The editing here is miserable, with judges pausing mid-sentence dramatically a dozen times per episode. "This tastes..." [reaction shots, musical cues, commercial break, return, repeat sentence] "This tastes... delicious!" [music changes from war drums and dramatic fanfare to relieving, triumphant strain]. Everyone seems stressed and angry, rivalries between the contestants are played up as much as friendships. The judges dramatically spit out food and remorselessly shame its creators - the whole thing's just messy competition television that feels less and less necessary by the season. Marissa still watches it, so I still catch it now and again, but damn.

Beat Shazam S1 E8: "Episode Eight"
"Name that song based on three to five seconds of audio!" It's the game we've all played before - hell, I think VH1 or MTV had a show based on it twenty years ago. And now it's a summertime sensation! (Sensation in this case means that it was pulling numbers just shy of Big Bang Theory reruns.)

Grey's Anatomy S14 E1: "Break Down the House"; S14 E2: "Get Off on the Pain"

Yeah, I've seen a handful of Grey's Anatomy episodes over the years. Hashtag, "blame the wife." Holy shit, when's this show going to end? They've already killed off McSteamy and McDreamy. Yes, killed - not written off, but straight up killed! Oh, and every single character is related now in some giant family tree of affairs and divorces and secret babies and such. I don't even have anything of substance to say here. Kudos to Ellen Pompeo for making an entire career out of playing one character, I guess.

The Mick S2 E1: "The Hotel"

Y'all might recognize The Mick from my first TV Dump of the year. I bailed after two episodes. Well, you know what they say - comedies, and in particular broadcast network comedies, often need a handful of episodes, or maybe even a whole season, to find themselves. Well, I went ahead and watched the Season 2 premiere. And... nope! It's just not a good show! It's a fine show, nothing special, and I'm happy enough for Kaitlin Olson, but seriously - what's the appeal here? It's just a broadcast-friendly version of any of the umpteen Comedy Central shows about delayed-onset adulthood. Who out there, with this much to watch on television, is clamoring for The Mick?

And, wow, okay, let's call that a wrap on summer television. It's October after all.

Rick and Morty: Season 3

Boy, you know what sucks? This season of Rick and Morty just left me feeling cold. And not, "damn, dark!" cold, but more like, "this? this is what took them over a year and a half to make?" cold. The show is really, really doubling down on its multiverse-based nihilism. Like, if there are infinite realities and infinite versions of everyone, no individual world - yes, entire world - really matters at all. It's an interesting approach. Multiverse theory is so often presented with never-ending optimism, like as long as you can imagine something existing, it does! Limitless potential, right? Well the third season of Rick and Morty really took pains to show just how droll it would be to actually, you know, be capable of traversing the multiverse with ease. Rick is essentially omnipotent - and bored as all hell because of it. You'd have a drinking problem too, you know?

It's a shame, because there are few shows on television as creative and inventive as Rick and Morty. A single episode of this show will usually contain more fresh ideas and concepts than entire seasons of other shows, and that's Dan Harmon for you. But it's also starting to feel more than a little messy and overstuffed, and that's also Dan Harmon for you. This guy's his own worst enemy! Community also peaked early, remember?

Gah! This wasn't even bad. It was good! But it wasn't great. And Rick and Morty used to be, and really ought to be, great. Oh well.

American Vandal: Season 1

It's a Netflix true crime parody about a case of high school vandalism. Someone has spray-painted a bunch of dicks on the cars in the faculty parking lot. But who? Starts out feeling like this dumb, trivial show, and frankly, that's what it ends up being. Still, I enjoyed it - and it ends with a big old gut punch that I shouldn't spoil. Eight episodes, half an hour each (or so). Give it a try, maybe.

Barton Fink

So I'm definitely at the point where I'm closing in on seeing every Coen brothers movie. Their early work in particular is still something of mystery and interest to me - old enough by now to be judged in a timeless vacuum and acclaimed enough for all kinds of critical analysis to exist online. Anyway, here's Barton Fink.

What can I say? It's a great, simple, complex movie. Simple in its plot, with a pretty barebones story and only four or five characters and, I dunno, three settings or so. But complex in its meaning, in its symbolism, in its undertones. I'm all for that, in a movie. You say "pretentious," I say, "fuck off and let artists strive for something, bud." I got Shining vibes from this movie's hotel scenes, and a quick glance around the Internet afterward tells me I wasn't alone in doing so. Also, John Goodman in particular was just phenomenal here. Which is never surprising, but always pleasant.

For now, it's too early for me to rank this against the rest of the Coen repertoire - they're just so, so good at what they do, and I need to give some serious reconsideration to a few of their movies I've only seen once - but suffice it to say this was a really good movie. (Shocker.)