How to Train Your Dragon

Between my trip to Norway and the recent hijinks on Game of Thrones, this felt like a timely and topical plane watch. It was cute and easy and probably only as good as your average Pixar movie, which makes it one of the all time best ever Dreamworks movies. Not a lot else to say here - will I seek out the sequel? Nah, but if it found me one day on the Netflix queue or an HBO late night channel surf I'd at least give it the time of day.

What We Do in the Shadows

This snuck up on me. Someone called it "the goriest movie Christopher Guest never made" and that feels about exactly right and apt. It's a New Zealand-made vampire mockumentary that never overstays its 80-minute run time and just follows these four vampires around their horrible, dingy flat, watching them try to go out and score victims, doing cartoonish shit like arguing over whose turn it is to do the dishes, sketching what each other looks like in what they're wearing since vampires have no reflections and can't use mirrors. A gang of werewolves shows up a couple of times and it's just the right amount of added absurdity. This was all very funny, is what I'm trying to say. Little more, but what else do you need?

Logan

Guys, you all know I'm as critical of the decade-long glut of comic book movies as anyone. I only end up seeing about half of them, and for half of those I'm kind of "eh" at best. X-Men in particular has been a huge source of "not giving a fuck" for me - there are so goddamn many of them, and only like three or four ever even matter! So when everyone and Trevor called Logan one of the best movies of the year I just sort of shrugged and thought, great, here we go again, people are going nuts over an X-Men movie. I'll just never understand the appeal!

Well, folks. I went ahead and saw Logan, and holy crap, I loved it! I want to say as little about it as possible, because I think anyone reading this should go see it knowing as little as possible, but suffice it to say it succeeded where so many other comic book movies fail for me for a number of reasons. One was that it was emphatically standalone in nature. Yes, a background knowledge of who Wolverine and Charles Xavier are is helpful, but I haven't seen an X-Men movie since 2005 or so and could still follow absolutely everything. And while the ending leaves itself open for some sort of connected sequel, so much of this thing just feels like a coda, a period, an ending. (Am I being vague enough to avoid spoiling things? probably not, but whatever.)

This is a Western. It takes place in El Paso and in North Dakota and everywhere in between. It also takes place in the future. it feels a little like Mad Max: Fury Road for a variety of reasons it's best not to get into. It also feels like The Last of Us, the video game whose story made waves for being so good and powerful and unexpected a few years ago. It's also this hyper-violent R-rated thing that's just thrilling to watch. Like, Deadpool was this big success because everyone realized you could make a comic book movie with swearing and fucking and over-the-top amounts of choreographed gore, but it was still ultimately dumb and worthless in the way all of those comic book movies are; that it didn't take itself seriously ended up being less of a strength and more of a half-hearted defense for its own shortcomings. But Logan? Logan takes the same graphic violence and sticks it into a story where it makes an impact, with characters for whom it makes sense to be obscenely violent, and it does take itself seriously, and it just works so much goddamn better for it.

The whole thing is trope-laden and "predictable" at every turn, but chalk this up as an example of tropes being tropes for a reason, of Westerns having a very specific formula for a reason, and so on. Does Wolverine grunt out a painful "I never asked for any of this!" right as the third act breaks after shit's gone horribly wrong? Yes, of course he does. But it works! It fits! It doens't feel lazy, it just feels like the right decision.

Logan isn't going to end, or even redefine, the steady and constant trend of comic book movies that have been coming out at a steady clip for a decade now and will continue to do so for at least another five years. But it already feels like something dark and different like nothing has to me since The Dark Knight. In five or ten years, when the big retrospectives come out and look at the history and evolution of the comic book movie trends from 2005 to 2025 or whatever, Logan is going to hold a special place in that history, and rightly so.

Dear White People: Season 1

Yep - the show whose title and existence launched a white supremacy backlash to Netflix that was far more absurd and damning than any of the things the satirical white people did in the very same show. Oh boy.

I intentionally put this one off for a while. For one thing, who needs to jump into any TV show while the controversy about it is hot and fresh and capable of slanting or jading an otherwise honest reaction to the show itself? For another thing, I hadn't seen the movie that the series is a sequel to. Well, I still haven't seen the movie, and I watched and followed and enjoyed the show just fine. (As a white person, even!) The title - #problematic though it may or may not be - is a misnomer, and one of the main characters explains this, verbatim, in the first episode.

What you have here is a show that takes place on a fictional Ivy League school's campus, primarily the black part of that campus, fraught with racial tension in the aftermath of a blackface party. (This is, I assume, what the movie was about.) It's disturbingly, depressingly relatable; it came out like three months before Charlottesville and one gets the impression that it was not even written and filmed with the realities of the Trump presidency in mind - just the ongoing Black Lives Matter-style protests and angst. It is thus, shockingly and sadly, tamer than reality. The most malicious white people it depicts are so, so far from the current actual far right movements going on among young dumb white people.

But enough about our depressing new status quo - let's talk about the show on its own merits. In short - it's good! Each episode is told from the perspective of a different character - all of them black except for one - in a mostly linear but often chronologically overlapping fashion. It's genuinely funny and it feels very realistic with regard to the way young people actually talk and communicate and joke with each other. It also contains the single best "holy shit" level African on African-American burn I've ever heard, but that's neither here nor there.

Plenty of issues are brought up and discussed meaningfully but without much cheese or ham or after school special soap. One of the most vocal protesting black students is very light-skinned; one dates a white guy; one's got a very important father and a lot of money and huge expectations on his shoulders, and struggles to keep himself clean and career-focused without just coming across as a big old Uncle Tom. One thing the show almost entirely lacks is any actual outrage against white people, whether specifically or individually. I mean, the worst any single white character gets it is this earnest "white ally" who's genuinely confused about his place in any and all of the BLM-ish movement.

The show isn't perfect. (Few are, obviously.) The season never really built toward much of anything, if that matters to you, other than the idea of a second season, and - again, depressingly - it never feels like the show's got any solutions; when the black students argue with each other over how best to handle, say, a police officer pulling a gun on a student, they can't seem to agree on anything and the show makes no efforts to suggest that any of them are more "right" about what to do than the others. "Geez, this is a great big mess, isn't it?" the show seems to ask. And, again, that's before Trump and Charlottesville! Ugh. Now I'm sad again. There's just not enough sheetcake in the world...

Little Nightmares

Here's a quick, little platform-puzzle game somewhat in the same vein as Limbo and Inside.

As a whole, I really liked this game... much like I enjoyed playing Limbo and Inside. Now, it's worth noting this is not a sequel to those games. It's not even from the same developer. It just shares some gameplay elements.

Simple, platform-driven puzzles. Challenges that are compartmentalized from room to room. Relatively short game (my playtime was probably around the 2 hour marker). And a story thats isn't spoon fed to your, but gradually -- and mysteriously -- unravels through the gameplay.

If I had to rank this game against the other two, I think it just ekes out the competition. In fairness, they probably stand neck-and-neck in terms of challenge and overall fun, but what I really appreciated about Little Nightmares was the character design. Shit's just so creepy yet so beautiful. Probably helps the game is running on Unreal 4 game engine, but god-damn is it gorgeous. 

While this is not going to be my top game of 2017, it will rank high. And I would certainly recommend playing it if you're into puzzle platformers. 

Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV

Ha. I didn't even realize I had started a post on this. 

Seeing as I just posted on Final Fantasy XV and my general disappointment with that game, let me say that feeling extends to this property as well.

The movie did offer additional context about game's story, but I think it's a weakness if you have to venture out to another medium in order to provide narrative details that are kind of essential to understanding what the fuck is going on in an already complicated-as-fuck story. 

All that aside, let me raise one issue that I had both in this movie and the game. An issue that I didn't touch upon in my previous post... The blatant product placement.

I get that partnership deals and product placement are sometimes the only way to get really expensive shit made... but, I must say, if it's a sci-fi story in a fictional, fantastic world mixed with magic and machines, blatantly having your character driving an Audi is going to totally pull me out of the story. Or, like in the game, having Coleman on all your camping equipment isn't helping the immersion experience. There was even a fucking AmEx sticker outside stores?!

I don't hate or love product placement. I'm sort of ambivalent towards it as I understand it's sometimes all too necessary. But if it's to be used, follow one rule: It should never pull you out of the story. And there's plenty of ways to get away with it. Hide it in the background. Make it apart of your character's costume. Or make it a part of the story. Whatever you do, make sure your audience doesn't do a double-take and say, "did I just do a side mission involving Cup of Noodles?"

Probably the best examples I can think of might be the use of Reece's Pieces in E.T. or the Wilson volleyball in Cast Away. Sure, there are plenty of other examples. James Bond's entire wardrobe is essential one giant fashion ad. 

Point is, this movie and game failed to use product placement effectively. Instead they just pulled me out of an already awful movie. 

Actually... maybe I should be thankful?

Final Fantasy XV

As a kid, there were two different tiers of getting in trouble with my parents. The first one was when I would royally piss them off causing them to get good and angry and yell at me, possibly ending with a punishment or grounding. Typical shit. 

Then there was the other tier of getting into trouble. The silent kind. The kind that only comes with the line, "I'm just disappointed." And while there's no direct punishment or yelling involved, that comment would cut so much deeper than any screaming could. 

That is what I give onto this game. The "I'm not mad... I'm just disappointed" criticism.

In whole, this game isn't bad, but it's certainly not good. However, I think there were so many opportunities for this game to do some really amazing shit, that could have elevated to not just a good game. Not just a great game. But an amazing game! A game you could look back years from now and still remember it as an iconic part of your video gaming history.

Basically, what I imagine this game set out to be was freeing adventure in this truly immersive map that you could explore at your leisure in your own car, GTA-style. But what I actually experienced was this rigid journey that tested my patience again and again as I was forced to watch the gang auto-drive across the entire map and back again. I think I spent almost as much time sitting on my couch aimlessly staring at my characters driving around the country as I did actually PLAYING the game. At times, the game even incentivizes you to not play it. Like... WTF?!

That frustration aside, I don't even know where to begin in addressing all the different areas this game "disappointed" me. 

The gaming mechanics offered this really cool "warping" feature in battle. Yet the camera always seemed to find that one tree or rock to lock behind, making the battle fucking useless. I made it a point to really level up my characters just so I didn't need to actually use much strategy as I hack-n-slashed my way to victory.

Then there's that epic battle with Leviathan. What a clusterfuck that was. Just zipping around a typhoon of nonsense, not really capable of being injured by anything because Noctis is in Super Saiyan mode, but at the same time having no real sense that my actions could/did anything profound in the battle. In essence, I feel like I won the day just because I hit the X button enough times. 

Then there's also the story. Let's forget for a moment that in order to really understand anything that's going on, you'll need to watch both the movie and short vignettes to build an appreciation for this world. But the story ends on such a dramatic event. You give yourself over to this crystal bullshit to become the chosen one -- a hero to save the world from darkness -- which apparently has a gestation period of around 10 years. After that time you wake to find your world in ruins. It's essentially the apocalypse. Yet, when you meet the townsfolk, and everyone surprisingly cool with it. 

Ok...?

That aside, you meet up with your old gang -- a group that is essentially a rip-off of the ninja turtles. The game obsessively focuses around these characters for good reason... they are the heart of this story. But after meeting back up with them in what's suppose to be this triumphant reunion, and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

Then I went on with them to battle the final boss, and they all look to one another in acknowledgement that this was the end to their grand, epic journey... I, once again, felt nothing. 

This game did an incredible job at making a moment I should have been tearing up over feel like a fucking chore. It bored me. It frustrated me. And, at its worse, it disappointed me.

Why the disappointment? Because these are easy problems to not only see, but to fix. And for a game that's rumored to have taken the better part of a decade to make, it's inexcusable. 

So, yeah... this game is a complete and utter disappointment.

While I've only played a small portion of the Final Fantasy games out there, this easily ranks at the bottom of my list.

Anyone curious here's my current standings:
Final Fantasy VII
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy XV

(Currently working my way through IX and XII as well -- both seem to be contenders for the top spot).

And if others are to say that there are other games in this franchise that should be considered worse, then I need to seriously question whether my time with these games is over from here on out. 

Okja

I give up. Netflix is just never going to have or make or own a legitimately great movie. This was as close as they've come - Bong Joon-ho, Tilda Swinton, Jake Gyllenhaal fucking going for it - and still it's a messy, fun but flawed, good-not-great mixed bag.

Okja is a super-pig. A giant hippo-dog of an animal, hanging out in South Korea with a young girl. But Okja's been genetically engineered for Big Agro, you see, and it's time to bring her back to America for a big old show and then of course some breeding and slaughtering. But the Animal Liberation Front is determined to make a mess of things for political gain. And Big Agro's run by Tilda Swinton, but her arc just sort of flattens out and disappears after one big scene. And then there's Jake Gyllenhaal, and seriously - what the fuck is he even doing? This thing's just so weird and uneven and messy. When it's fun it's fun - particularly in an early chase scene that just fucking owns - but I can't figure out why on earth it was made or what it's trying to say about anything.

Twisted Metal: Head-On

Not sure what possessed me to do it tonight, but I finally hooked up the old PlayStation 2 for the first time in three goddamn years and went ahead and played and beat a quick little video game. This one's Twisted Metal: Head-On, a PS2 port of a PSP game that looks like absolute feces today. Wow!

I always loved Twisted Metal. Ten-year-old me probably calls it his second favorite franchise of all time behind only Final Fantasy, and to this day I can remember all kinds of dumb cheats and Easter eggs from the second game. Like how by pressing up-down-up-up you could fire off an insane special move that froze an enemy and nailed him with three missiles. Or like how, in the New York level, if you shoot the Statue of Liberty for long enough, she'll get super fat. And then if you shoot that long enough, she'll turn into a bikini-wearing supermodel. Nineties humor, boys and girls!

But no, that's neither here nor there. The franchise went downhill fast after Twisted Metal 2, and this is the [checks] seventh game in the franchise. Interpolate and extrapolate as you see fit.

Still, I had fun! In a drunken "hey why the hell not spend an hour and change on a Friday night busting this thing out" sort of way. Crank the difficulty level down to easy, reacclimate to the wonky-ass controls (but seriously, did any PS2 game control with tight precision?), and let loose.

They really should bring this series back. Not sure what that looks like on PS4, but it's sort of weirdly underrated and important in PlayStation history. Like, not their Zelda or anything, but perhaps at least their Star Fox or whatever. Sweet Tooth was in PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale, after all. Remember that game? I do! And I wish it had been better. Sony Smash, guys - come on!

I'm still drinking by the way.

Suspiria

Glad I finally saw this one, a 1977 Italian horror classic in Technicolor, but I can't say I was blown away. The theme was haunting, mesmerizing, beautiful, and perfect. Some of the scenes were very pretty, often in a nightmarish and dazzling hellscape. And that's where my admiration ends, because nothing else really worked, at all. Piss-poor sound editing is an expectation of mine whenever I see a movie from before, say, 1985, but even for a foreign '70s film this thing's a dubbed up mess. Nothing like watching an outdoor scene with wind and everything and hearing nothing but flat, indoor voices. No wind, no street noise - just poorly synchronized dialogue. Also - the performances are pretty much ass even if you squint your eyes and give the shaky dubbing the benefit of the doubt. And the less said about just how fake the blood and gore all looked, the better.

But, still. It's a classic for a reason and I'm probably better off for having seen it. Trev once said something to the effect of, "if you haven't seen a Dario Argento horror movie, your opinions on horror movies can't be fully trusted." Well, you can trust me now, Trev, when I say that this movie was a big ol' bucket of "eeeeeeeeeh." (I kid. Mostly.)

Oh, they're remaking this! It could be good. Given that the original version's biggest shortcomings were all budget and technology-based, it's not hard to claim that a 2017 remake could improve substantially on this. But we all know it won't. Lame!